Pride?

So I get these posts from Desiring God on my FB feed. Today's really hit me hard.  I have really been struggling with things lately, relationships with my family, stress at work, what I consider loss of closeness at home and with my kids and loss of trust and engagement at work.  These things have hurt me and left me considering whether I am depressed.  If I am, however, should't my relationship with Christ overcome?  I mean He promises to see me through and to never bring what I can't handle through casting my cares on Him...

I guess therein lies the problem.  I am struggling to put my faith into action in the midst of these times.  I realize that nothing comes to me but that which He ordains... So, the things in my life now must be allowed by Him.  And he works all things to good for those who love Him and know Him. So, these things must be working for good... It is hard.

Piper suggests that a low self esteem can actually be unholy if the root is dissatisfaction with who and how God has made you and comparison to others only to be found lacking, or not realizing the acceptance from others seemingly without merit...  That this is caused by a frustrated pride and misplaced high regard for personal import...  Maybe that has always been my issue.  I have struggled to place God first for fear of losing... me.  Still struggling to see others as more important than myself professionally, personally.

That's raw, but it seems to be where I'm at in this journey. I am praying for genuine renewal of my mind and change in my heart.  I long for a true humility and to forget the sting of rejection by man. I am, after all, a child of the king. I'm just struggling to live like one.

Mark and Jennifer riding in the back pasture.

Wow. It has been some time since I posted here... 4 years. It surprised me to open this page and see what the last post was. It was Pierce and me on a hunting trip at the Freels Ranch.  So much has happened since then.  The boys have grown up, Pierce is driving, Nathan is at college.  New house, new job, no seminary, struggles of life...

As I think about things, and I do a lot, I wonder where I am, really. So much of what I thought was solid was not... is not...  Don't get me wrong, there is much good in my life, its just not all that I hoped.  Maybe it never is.  We all have hopes and dreams for our children and our relationships. I find those shifting from what I wanted to praying that the Lord will see them through on the journey He has planned for them.  It leaves me reminiscing about times past...

As I went out to hunt the Freels Ranch this last weekend, I hunted the blind Pierce and I hunted last... 4 years ago.  I had not been in there since we shot those deer together.  Seems I left my seat cushion there and there it remained.  I found it washed out, tattered on the edges and moldy.  A forgotten item from a bygone time.  Pierce hasn't hunted with me since that time; never been interested again. I guess we didn't miss the cushion.   But seeing it there certainly made me a bit nostalgic... hopes from the past and many changes from 12 to 16. I brought it home with me and I didn't shoot any deer... Many thoughts.