Resolutions?

Goodness... it has been so long since I wrote here.  I need to get back into the habit, but it seems so hard.  There have been so many things to write about and so many changes.  Where to start...

Pierce has had a rough three years.  He has struggled to determine the proper course for life, chased a poor relationship, struggled in college, dropped out, re-enrolled... wow. So many prayers for him to comeback to Christ.  he is just not there yet.  At least he has agreed to take our second chance offer and try college again.  More prayer needed.

Nathan is in Chile completing his international requirement for graduation.  That’s coming in May.  Hard to believe, but it is true!  He has an internship with Texas Instruments this summer and he plans to go back to Tech for grad school.  He has been granted a good amount of success as the Lord has blessed his path.  A scholarship from Sandia Labs has allowed him to work in the Pulse Power Lab for the last year.  That will continue.  He also had a nice internship with Lockheed last summer.  It was a learning experience as his teamwork skills were really challenged.

Chile is a place of immence and harsh beauty.  He visitied the coastline near where he is staying and sent this photograph.  It is really amazing.

Also, there is the observatory there.  Tours were interesting and I think he really enjoyed seeing this scope and scale of the operation.

I am sure he is looking forward to coming back to the US.  As I write, he has another week there.

Jennifer and I are doing ok.  The empty nest transition over the last year has been easier than expected.  Maybe some of our youngest’s rebellious nature helped that.  We went skiing as usual this Christmas.  Nathan came, Pierce did not.  The top pic is from the resort at Angel Fire, NM.  I think we had a good time even though it was different.  More to come this year and I will try to be more diligent to keep up this blog.  

I really have never been good at resolutions.  Although, I guess the previous sentence is one.  Others that are needed are to keep working out, engage in building projects more frequently (more to come there) and to become more diligent with the rental business.  That has been a sore spot this last year.  I will post about it, maybe.  So, there you have it.  We shall see how I do.

San Diego

I've been in San Diego for the last several days.  What a beautiful place.  In all my travels, I have not been here until now.  When I arrived, I took a taxi to the hotel.  The windows were down as we drove and the smell of flowers permeated the air even in the streets.  It was really amazing. We also passed the Midway Museum.  When I saw that ship, I knew I had to go.  The taxi dropped me off and I immediately set out back to the Midway.

What an amazing ship.  I had no idea that it was the nerve center and flagship or the Gulf War.  Everything about the ship was mind boggling, from the 4 acre flight deck to the massive logistical dance to keep the sailors fed, laundered and supplied.  We were allowed to see the command and control areas and the Captains Country and Admirals Country.  Very cool.   I would definitely say it was the best $20 I spent on this trip.

Something else I had forgotten from not traveling... temptation.  There are temptations to do things you just would not ordinarily do from eating and drinking to letting your eyes wander to buying things. It is really unfortunate that everything around you on one of these trips says "indulge." The food and drink flow freely at every event and everyone wants to make a connection.  I thought about that a lot last night at one of the larger parties.  Watching people and how they behaved, listening to what they were saying, I was struck.  I was tempted.  I left.

Don't get me wrong, even though I can withstand some temptations, I cannot withstand them all.  I struggle and I fail.  Then I struggle with self loathing and shame.  It is bittersweet that my Lord forgives me even in the midst of my continued failure.

Last week our pastor challenged us that we were at war with sin and even today in my devotional, I was reminded that i have "not resisted to the point of shedding blood."  Jesus did.  That fact is piercing.  I had not thought of his experience in the garden as one of temptation, although the temptation must have been overwhelming to flee the cross. That he would struggle in prayer to the point of sweating what seemed great drops of blood is utterly amazing.  It truly demonstrates both his complete self denial and his amazing love for us and devotion to the Father. I am speechless.  I pray that I might have even the slightest amount of that desire and love for him that I might resist even more and love even more deeply.  

Pride?

So I get these posts from Desiring God on my FB feed. Today's really hit me hard.  I have really been struggling with things lately, relationships with my family, stress at work, what I consider loss of closeness at home and with my kids and loss of trust and engagement at work.  These things have hurt me and left me considering whether I am depressed.  If I am, however, should't my relationship with Christ overcome?  I mean He promises to see me through and to never bring what I can't handle through casting my cares on Him...

I guess therein lies the problem.  I am struggling to put my faith into action in the midst of these times.  I realize that nothing comes to me but that which He ordains... So, the things in my life now must be allowed by Him.  And he works all things to good for those who love Him and know Him. So, these things must be working for good... It is hard.

Piper suggests that a low self esteem can actually be unholy if the root is dissatisfaction with who and how God has made you and comparison to others only to be found lacking, or not realizing the acceptance from others seemingly without merit...  That this is caused by a frustrated pride and misplaced high regard for personal import...  Maybe that has always been my issue.  I have struggled to place God first for fear of losing... me.  Still struggling to see others as more important than myself professionally, personally.

That's raw, but it seems to be where I'm at in this journey. I am praying for genuine renewal of my mind and change in my heart.  I long for a true humility and to forget the sting of rejection by man. I am, after all, a child of the king. I'm just struggling to live like one.

Mark and Jennifer riding in the back pasture.

Wow. It has been some time since I posted here... 4 years. It surprised me to open this page and see what the last post was. It was Pierce and me on a hunting trip at the Freels Ranch.  So much has happened since then.  The boys have grown up, Pierce is driving, Nathan is at college.  New house, new job, no seminary, struggles of life...

As I think about things, and I do a lot, I wonder where I am, really. So much of what I thought was solid was not... is not...  Don't get me wrong, there is much good in my life, its just not all that I hoped.  Maybe it never is.  We all have hopes and dreams for our children and our relationships. I find those shifting from what I wanted to praying that the Lord will see them through on the journey He has planned for them.  It leaves me reminiscing about times past...

As I went out to hunt the Freels Ranch this last weekend, I hunted the blind Pierce and I hunted last... 4 years ago.  I had not been in there since we shot those deer together.  Seems I left my seat cushion there and there it remained.  I found it washed out, tattered on the edges and moldy.  A forgotten item from a bygone time.  Pierce hasn't hunted with me since that time; never been interested again. I guess we didn't miss the cushion.   But seeing it there certainly made me a bit nostalgic... hopes from the past and many changes from 12 to 16. I brought it home with me and I didn't shoot any deer... Many thoughts.

First Deer

It was a good weekend this first of the 2011 whitetail season.  Out with my boys, we hurried to our hunting spot late Friday afternoon.  Rifle season had not yet arrived, so we took advantage of the last day of bow season.  We had hardly set up the ground blind when several deer rolled out of the woods.  Excitement ruled us, but they never presented an ethical bow shot.  We hoped Saturday would prove to be our day.

Up early the next morning, we were off to the stand.  The wind was up and conditions were less than optimal, not to mention that the woods seemed to be filled with hunters anxious to get out on the first day for rifles.  We saw several illegal bucks and some shooter does, but they were too far for a novice shooter.  The morning wound down without a shot.

The afternoon didn't look much better with the wind still up.  We decided to go down into the woods where we had seen the deer on Friday.  No luck.  All we saw were the two who snuck up behind us and winded us.  It was a long afternoon, but Pierce hung in there well. Sunday morning would be our last chance and hope was high for a good hunt.

Sunday morning came in with a warming temperature, overcast skies and a much calmer wind.  Things looked good.  As we started out for the blind, we saw a nice shooter 8-point near the house.  I took that as a good sign.  We got to the stand and got settled in.

At dawn, a nice sized deer slipped into a feeder about 80 yards away.  It was too dark yet to see if it was a doe or and illegal buck.  It turned out to be the latter, but the deer were definitely moving.  Not more than 20 minutes later, about 7 does slipped in.  Pierce was really excited when one presented an ideal broadside shot.  I gave him the go ahead.  It was a perfect shot.  The doe fell cleanly and Pierce joined the ranks of the hunter!

I am very proud of him.  He followed directions well and placed a clean kill shot.  The season is early and I'm hoping that Nathan get a chance to complete the rite of passage too this year. In the meantime - Way to go Pierce!!

Be Careful Little Eyes What you See...

I have heard folks talk about making covenants about various things.  And, generally I have no issues with them.  The idea of committing to some form of behavior to better a relationship or guarantee a promise (which sounds a bit redundant) is a good thing more or less.  I guess where I have struggled with the idea is in the observation of others making and then breaking of these covenants.  It has seemed that the most have an extremely hard time remaining true to that which they promise.  That is primarily why I have shied away a bit from making such commitments myself.

However, I feel compelled to make a covenant with myself.  I am not sure why, but God continues to place this thought in my heart.  At our seminary orientation, Chaplain Bill discussed making a covenant with his eyes to avoid impurity.  I was intrigued.  My eye for beautiful things has wandered a bit and I want to contain and content myself with the beauty already in my life.  I feel bombarded from all sides by images begging for my attention, especially images designed to stimulate my mind to lust.  I want to and need to protect myself from such temptation for mental wandering. Unfortunately, I know myself too well.  Making such a rash promise with myself would be a set up for failure.  So, I have pondered how to help get things in my favor.

The Lord has been faithful to my quest and allowed me to think through the issues and recognize where I am weak.  What I discovered is that shielding my eyes is simply not enough.  My mind is quick and images are not the only thing that stimulate it.  Music does a fine job also.  This revelation has set me back because music is and has been such a large part of my life.  I enjoy many genres and types.  However, I noticed that so much of music taps into the sensual, and in pop music most is overtly sexual. The mental stimulation received through the ears starts to roll around until the eyes want to join in the fun and then the dilemma is at hand, temptation is near and the battle is on.  I am tired of fighting this war and I need some new ammo to continue.

So, the idea of a covenant with my eyes persists.  It must be joined with a covenant with my ears too.  I don't think I can succeed at the one with out the other.  Please pray for me.  I do not want to fail.  As I approach the Throne of Grace, I will be entering into a covenant relationship in which I promise to vigilantly guard my eyes and ears.  This will be difficult and I expect the attacks to be intense.  Check ups and reports to follow...

There is so much truth in this simple children's song.  I think while it is disguised as a nursery level tune, it was meant for the adult singing it as well...

O be careful little eyes what you see

O be careful little eyes what you see

There's a Father up above

And He's looking down in love

So, be careful little eyes what you see

O be careful little ears what you hear

O be careful little ears what you hear

There's a Father up above

And He's looking down in love

So, be careful little ears what you hear

O be careful little hands what you do

O be careful little hands what you do

There's a Father up above

And He's looking down in love

So, be careful little hands what you do

O be careful little feet where you go

O be careful little feet where you go

There's a Father up above

And He's looking down in love

So, be careful little feet where you go

O be careful little mouth what you say

O be careful little mouth what you say

There's a Father up above

And He's looking down in love

So, be careful little mouth what you say

A Place of Dependence

During my foray into the seminary world, I have gained exposure to many things.  Not the least of which is the work of our Lord to tear away all that encumbers our service and dependence on Him.  I had wondered about the impending clash between my former career and the direction God has been taking me.  Many had encouraged (warned) me that weird things happen in seminary, especially with regard to money (or the lack of it).  It is fair to say that I acknowledged their advice, but didn't internalize it.  That is until I was laid off...

God has indeed allowed the clash to come sooner rather than later.  He has taken our means of earning away, yet He has provided.  Our bank account remains in a good place, our pantry full, our house warm.  All this to His glory alone, for it should not be.

As we step further in faith, enrolling for a full load in the spring semester, I look with anticipation for the Lord to make His name great among my family.  I anticipate a job for Jennifer and continued academic progress for me.  It is exciting.  Many of those I have come to respect in ministry were all taken on this journey by God.  I count it a privilege to be on the journey too.  May God bless you as He has blessed us making His abiding love known to us as we rely on Him and Him alone!